Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Randomize
