You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
