so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
