there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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