ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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