You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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