i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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