Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
