She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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