I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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