so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
