and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
