I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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