So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
