i wish starbucks made bloody marys
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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