Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Randomize
