Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
