Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
