You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
