he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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