we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
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