I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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