There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
