Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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