i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
