I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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