im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Randomize
