Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
