sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The uberlube is also flammable
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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