why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
