I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
that may or may not have been my penis.
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