my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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