i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
