Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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