the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
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