Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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