theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
