I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
