just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
