Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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