you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
