just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Randomize
