I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
