Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
