haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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