Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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