If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
