this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
