fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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