Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
