Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
